The noble spouses whose love was about sacrifice
The western materialistic viewpoint as
well as the influence of the cinema culture which tends to showcase ‘cheap
lust’ as ‘eternal love’, has been generating confusion in the modern minds regarding
the difference between lust and love (kaama and prema). But we many noble women
have glorified love for their spouses even in separation through absolute
sacrifice. Such examples are seen in plenty particularly among the pious Hindu Indian
womenfolk.
It is definitely unfair and sinful for
any third person to interfere in a husband-wife relationship. This is even
reflected in a Hindu custom that prescribes that no one should walk between a
couple seated together or never even sit between them. But sometimes, responding
to the call of duty, nation or noble ideologies, a couple may have to forsake
the joy of togetherness too. A couple which is essentially inseparable in love
and life, would have to fulfill the daampatya
maryaada (the dignity of marriage) by sacrificing lust or togetherness (tentatively
or for a longterm) when some situations so demand. True love outgrows the
limits of ‘just being together’. It rather matures into mutual understanding,
support and respect for each other’s ideals. The acid test for love is indeed when
it needs to pass through separation and absolute sacrifice. How many men and women
indeed are capable of keeping afresh their mutual love even after they realize
that their sweet dreams would never materialize? But the Hindu lineage can boast
of a long heritage of such pativratas. These women have displayed extraordinary
patience and unstinted support to their spouses even when deprived of the even
the basic joy and security of living with their loved ones.
Sri Sharadamani devi, the consort of
Paramahamsa Sri Ramakrishna, a simple illiterate village woman, volunteered to support
the unusual and extraordinary vows of celibacy of her husband all life. This
unbroken vow of celibacy between couple is a rare vow mentioned in the
scriptures as Aasidhaara-vrata (a vow
wherein married couple, live together but practice continence at the mental, verbal
and physical levels. This is indeed the toughest challenges ever and aptly
named the ‘aasidhaara-vrata’ meaning ‘the
vow of walking on the razor’s edge’). Sharadamani sacrificed all her dreams of
conjugal bliss wholeheartedly, in order to accommodate the saintly and extraordinary
ideals of her yogi-husband. Is not this love, selfless and absolutely devoid of
lust, one of the highest and noblest of its kinds.
The rigid norms of the constitution of
the kingdom of Ayodhya unfortunately claimed the happy marriage of Seeta and
Rama. But Seeta and Rama strived to fulfill love and loyalty towards each other
even in life-long separation. Despite having to live apart, they nevertheless
fulfilled their duties towards their children and kingdom, without giving the
least vent to their deep rooted sorrow and disgust! Is not the love of Seeta a great
example for love that ranks above mere lust and togetherness
Another example for such selfless love
is that of Princess Urmila, the wife of Lakshmana. There was no inevitable
demand that bound her ethically to suffer separation from her husband, when he
unconditionally followed Rama in exile. She silently suffered separation
without a cry of agony or resentment. Is not her generosity and sacrifice an
expression of love of the highest kind?
In Mahabharatam, queen Madri fulfilled
her love by performing sati (entering the funeral pyre of her dead husband).
But Kunti, her co-wife accepted to live on in painful widowhood, taking up the
responsibility of their children. Both these are seemingly different but
actually great expressions of the same love. Subhadra, Hidimba and many other
wives of the Pandavas are some others who also suffered separation from their
husbands. But the dignity with which they suffered and the patience and
sacrifice ranks them high in love.
A life account of the celebrated
Vachaspati Mishra is another example- The great scholar, in his youthful days,
took up the scholastic task of composing the vyakhyaana (commentary) for
Shankara’s treatise. His young bride Bhaamati, silently performed her duties
and took care not to disturb or distract him ever. When one day, after more
than a decade, the task was finally completed, Vachaspati Mishra sat in a
relaxed and blissful mood. He noticed this lady entering his room in dusk to
light the lamps. She was in her middle ages and Mishra could hardly recognize
her! On realizing that she was his own wife, whom he had never cared to even glance
upon or greet all through the years, he felt greatly pained and guilty. He was
overwhelmed with gratitude and admiration for her selfless love. In deep
acknowledgement of her unparalleled sacrifice to his achievements, he dedicated
his text to her and named it ‘Bhaamati Vyaakhyaana’. Is not Bhaamati’s selfless
love immortal and unparalleled and much above the just ‘being together’?
There is yet another example in the Upanishads
of the celebrated couple Yajnavalkya and Maitreyee. Here Maitreyee was his ‘moksha
patni’ and their relationship was that of a ‘guru and shishya’, strictly devoid
of any conjugal bliss. Is this not another example for love that transcends
mere lust and basic instinctive?
Jijabai was a dynamic Mahratta woman, wed
to Shahaji, a small ruler. The only thing that Jijabai did accept about her
husband was that he surrendered to the Moghul sovereignty. She wanted her son
Shivaji to grow up in an ambience of self-esteem and burning ambition to
overthrow the moghuls. For that reason she lived away from her husband,
sacrificing marital bliss and security. She strived hard to make her son Shivaji,
the future Chatrapati of an independent Hindu kingdom. She even swallowed her
sorrow when her husband remarried. Never did she speak a word against her
husband, rather she even desired to perform sati
when Shahaji died. Pursuing her noble ambitions and extraordinary
motherhood, she voluntarily suffered painful separation from her love.
Bhageerathamma, the wife of the
celebrated Kannada poet D V Gundappa, suffered acute poverty and inconvenience
because of the staunch idealistic nature of her husband. DVG never accepted the
prize award money that he got while his meager (and rare) earnings left the family
in painful starvation and debts. But still, Bhageerathamma, unconditionally supported
her husband’s ideals and pious lifestyle and displayed an ever enduring smile.
When Chaitanya Mahaprabhu proceeded to
embrace sanyasa, renouncing wife and family, Vishnupriya, his consort, never
came in his way. She instead expressed all her love and support by living an
utmost pious and ascetic life herself away and took care to keep away from the
glare of public. Is this not a noble expression of love and support of a high
kind? Countless men proceed for sanyasa and many of them obtain the consent of
their understanding and generous wives too! The wives of our courageous
soldiers are no less in sacrifice. Despite the agony of the uncertainty of
their husbands returning home, they apply tilaks, wave the aarati and wish
their husbands victory in war. The sacrifice and true love in these cases is
worth highest honour indeed.
I have also seen a good looking, educated,
smart and rich young woman, who volunteered to marry a man on wheelchair. One
of my good friends Radha, a village girl, was happily married. But after about
two years of marriage fate snatched away the eyesight of her husband leaving
him jobless. But eversince, she has stood by him lovingly and patiently,
literally ‘leading him by the hand’ and sustain the whole family in every way. Are
not these living examples instances of true love that stands above mere
togetherness and lust?
Jasoda Ben has acknowledged her
husband Narandra Modi’s passion for service to the nation. She has been
broadminded enough to see her ‘loss in love’ as a ‘gain to the nation’. Never
has she used the media to glorify herself or avenge for what she lost. Never
has she cared to arouse sympathy for herself even in the subtlest way (though ofcourse
the media and many others would be hawking day and night to extract some
emotional expression form her). In the last 15 years, she has never ever
enjoyed aspect of VIP pleasures that come with the status of being the wife of
the most celebrated chief minister of Gujarat, Narendra Modi. But now, seeking
that her husband must become the prime minister, she has given up eating rice
and wearing slippers as a religious vow and taken up pilgrimage too!
The dignity and silence with which she
has suffered the 4 decades of separation and the maturity and modesty she still
displays are worth the highest admiration. Without a second thought, one could
place her in the series of the great pativratas whose examples we just saw.
Sacrifice - the greatest test of love
Chastity, sacrifice and true love
comes easily to a Hindu woman, who grows in an ambience of piousness and vows. To
them control of lust and pleasures never appear like ‘exploitations’. Infact for
them they are the true tests of love.
A marriage devoid of any compromise, sacrifice and understanding, which is based on mere togetherness and conjugal bliss, is the cheapest ever. It is superficial and skin deep and mostly ends up in disgust and distrust. On the other hand, how much ever romantic a couple may be, they must be responsible enough to stand up to the situation to sacrifice lust for duty, pleasures for ideals and personal priorities for noble commitments. Then indeed is their love true and worthy.
Those
couples who dismiss off all social obligations, noble ideologies and family
duties and demands as ‘obstacles in their path of love’ know not the true
nature of love, They display freewill and animal passions in a shameless
manner. The ‘love’ of such people eventually melts to the heat of realistic and
bitter demands of life. Boredom, doubt and disgust creep in easily and could
even end up in divorce. Skin-deep love is selfish and raw. But love that
generates admiration respect and support for the spouse is mature and
substantial. Even when old age creeps in, limbs weaken out, joys and sorrows
ripen them out, the mutual attraction and love in the couple remains ever fresh
and growing. Preeti (love is to serve/ to make happey) while Kaama (lust) is to
demand/ desire.
Ofcourse
lust and togetherness have a great role to play in marriage. But if lust gains
the upperhand over all other virtues, particularly self-control and
understanding, then the relationship promotes a devilish ambience around. On
the other hand, understanding, timely sacrifice, compromise and respect for
ideals governs the relationship, the fragrance of ever fresh and ever green
love fills the air.
