The noble spouses whose love was about sacrifice

The western materialistic viewpoint as well as the influence of the cinema culture which tends to showcase ‘cheap lust’ as ‘eternal love’, has been generating confusion in the modern minds regarding the difference between lust and love (kaama and prema). But we many noble women have glorified love for their spouses even in separation through absolute sacrifice. Such examples are seen in plenty particularly among the pious Hindu Indian womenfolk.

It is definitely unfair and sinful for any third person to interfere in a husband-wife relationship. This is even reflected in a Hindu custom that prescribes that no one should walk between a couple seated together or never even sit between them. But sometimes, responding to the call of duty, nation or noble ideologies, a couple may have to forsake the joy of togetherness too. A couple which is essentially inseparable in love and life, would have to fulfill the daampatya maryaada (the dignity of marriage) by sacrificing lust or togetherness (tentatively or for a longterm) when some situations so demand. True love outgrows the limits of ‘just being together’. It rather matures into mutual understanding, support and respect for each other’s ideals. The acid test for love is indeed when it needs to pass through separation and absolute sacrifice. How many men and women indeed are capable of keeping afresh their mutual love even after they realize that their sweet dreams would never materialize? But the Hindu lineage can boast of a long heritage of such pativratas. These women have displayed extraordinary patience and unstinted support to their spouses even when deprived of the even the basic joy and security of living with their loved ones.

Sri Sharadamani devi, the consort of Paramahamsa Sri Ramakrishna, a simple illiterate village woman, volunteered to support the unusual and extraordinary vows of celibacy of her husband all life. This unbroken vow of celibacy between couple is a rare vow mentioned in the scriptures as Aasidhaara-vrata (a vow wherein married couple, live together but practice continence at the mental, verbal and physical levels. This is indeed the toughest challenges ever and aptly named the ‘aasidhaara-vrata’ meaning ‘the vow of walking on the razor’s edge’). Sharadamani sacrificed all her dreams of conjugal bliss wholeheartedly, in order to accommodate the saintly and extraordinary ideals of her yogi-husband. Is not this love, selfless and absolutely devoid of lust, one of the highest and noblest of its kinds.

The rigid norms of the constitution of the kingdom of Ayodhya unfortunately claimed the happy marriage of Seeta and Rama. But Seeta and Rama strived to fulfill love and loyalty towards each other even in life-long separation. Despite having to live apart, they nevertheless fulfilled their duties towards their children and kingdom, without giving the least vent to their deep rooted sorrow and disgust! Is not the love of Seeta a great example for love that ranks above mere lust and togetherness

Another example for such selfless love is that of Princess Urmila, the wife of Lakshmana. There was no inevitable demand that bound her ethically to suffer separation from her husband, when he unconditionally followed Rama in exile. She silently suffered separation without a cry of agony or resentment. Is not her generosity and sacrifice an expression of love of the highest kind?

In Mahabharatam, queen Madri fulfilled her love by performing sati (entering the funeral pyre of her dead husband). But Kunti, her co-wife accepted to live on in painful widowhood, taking up the responsibility of their children. Both these are seemingly different but actually great expressions of the same love. Subhadra, Hidimba and many other wives of the Pandavas are some others who also suffered separation from their husbands. But the dignity with which they suffered and the patience and sacrifice ranks them high in love.

A life account of the celebrated Vachaspati Mishra is another example- The great scholar, in his youthful days, took up the scholastic task of composing the vyakhyaana (commentary) for Shankara’s treatise. His young bride Bhaamati, silently performed her duties and took care not to disturb or distract him ever. When one day, after more than a decade, the task was finally completed, Vachaspati Mishra sat in a relaxed and blissful mood. He noticed this lady entering his room in dusk to light the lamps. She was in her middle ages and Mishra could hardly recognize her! On realizing that she was his own wife, whom he had never cared to even glance upon or greet all through the years, he felt greatly pained and guilty. He was overwhelmed with gratitude and admiration for her selfless love. In deep acknowledgement of her unparalleled sacrifice to his achievements, he dedicated his text to her and named it ‘Bhaamati Vyaakhyaana’. Is not Bhaamati’s selfless love immortal and unparalleled and much above the just ‘being together’?

There is yet another example in the Upanishads of the celebrated couple Yajnavalkya and Maitreyee. Here Maitreyee was his ‘moksha patni’ and their relationship was that of a ‘guru and shishya’, strictly devoid of any conjugal bliss. Is this not another example for love that transcends mere lust and basic instinctive?

Jijabai was a dynamic Mahratta woman, wed to Shahaji, a small ruler. The only thing that Jijabai did accept about her husband was that he surrendered to the Moghul sovereignty. She wanted her son Shivaji to grow up in an ambience of self-esteem and burning ambition to overthrow the moghuls. For that reason she lived away from her husband, sacrificing marital bliss and security. She strived hard to make her son Shivaji, the future Chatrapati of an independent Hindu kingdom. She even swallowed her sorrow when her husband remarried. Never did she speak a word against her husband, rather she even desired to perform sati when Shahaji died. Pursuing her noble ambitions and extraordinary motherhood, she voluntarily suffered painful separation from her love.

Bhageerathamma, the wife of the celebrated Kannada poet D V Gundappa, suffered acute poverty and inconvenience because of the staunch idealistic nature of her husband. DVG never accepted the prize award money that he got while his meager (and rare) earnings left the family in painful starvation and debts. But still, Bhageerathamma, unconditionally supported her husband’s ideals and pious lifestyle and displayed an ever enduring smile.

When Chaitanya Mahaprabhu proceeded to embrace sanyasa, renouncing wife and family, Vishnupriya, his consort, never came in his way. She instead expressed all her love and support by living an utmost pious and ascetic life herself away and took care to keep away from the glare of public. Is this not a noble expression of love and support of a high kind? Countless men proceed for sanyasa and many of them obtain the consent of their understanding and generous wives too! The wives of our courageous soldiers are no less in sacrifice. Despite the agony of the uncertainty of their husbands returning home, they apply tilaks, wave the aarati and wish their husbands victory in war. The sacrifice and true love in these cases is worth highest honour indeed.

I have also seen a good looking, educated, smart and rich young woman, who volunteered to marry a man on wheelchair. One of my good friends Radha, a village girl, was happily married. But after about two years of marriage fate snatched away the eyesight of her husband leaving him jobless. But eversince, she has stood by him lovingly and patiently, literally ‘leading him by the hand’ and sustain the whole family in every way. Are not these living examples instances of true love that stands above mere togetherness and lust?

Jasoda Ben has acknowledged her husband Narandra Modi’s passion for service to the nation. She has been broadminded enough to see her ‘loss in love’ as a ‘gain to the nation’. Never has she used the media to glorify herself or avenge for what she lost. Never has she cared to arouse sympathy for herself even in the subtlest way (though ofcourse the media and many others would be hawking day and night to extract some emotional expression form her). In the last 15 years, she has never ever enjoyed aspect of VIP pleasures that come with the status of being the wife of the most celebrated chief minister of Gujarat, Narendra Modi. But now, seeking that her husband must become the prime minister, she has given up eating rice and wearing slippers as a religious vow and taken up pilgrimage too!  

The dignity and silence with which she has suffered the 4 decades of separation and the maturity and modesty she still displays are worth the highest admiration. Without a second thought, one could place her in the series of the great pativratas whose examples we just saw.

Sacrifice - the greatest test of love

Chastity, sacrifice and true love comes easily to a Hindu woman, who grows in an ambience of piousness and vows. To them control of lust and pleasures never appear like ‘exploitations’. Infact for them they are the true tests of love.

A marriage devoid of any compromise, sacrifice and understanding, which is based on mere togetherness and conjugal bliss, is the cheapest ever. It is superficial and skin deep and mostly ends up in disgust and distrust. On the other hand, how much ever romantic a couple may be, they must be responsible enough to stand up to the situation to sacrifice lust for duty, pleasures for ideals and personal priorities for noble commitments. Then indeed is their love true and worthy.

Those couples who dismiss off all social obligations, noble ideologies and family duties and demands as ‘obstacles in their path of love’ know not the true nature of love, They display freewill and animal passions in a shameless manner. The ‘love’ of such people eventually melts to the heat of realistic and bitter demands of life. Boredom, doubt and disgust creep in easily and could even end up in divorce. Skin-deep love is selfish and raw. But love that generates admiration respect and support for the spouse is mature and substantial. Even when old age creeps in, limbs weaken out, joys and sorrows ripen them out, the mutual attraction and love in the couple remains ever fresh and growing. Preeti (love is to serve/ to make happey) while Kaama (lust) is to demand/ desire.

Ofcourse lust and togetherness have a great role to play in marriage. But if lust gains the upperhand over all other virtues, particularly self-control and understanding, then the relationship promotes a devilish ambience around. On the other hand, understanding, timely sacrifice, compromise and respect for ideals governs the relationship, the fragrance of ever fresh and ever green love fills the air.